Today...

The pain comes and go. One minute I could be laughing with a friend and the next I am consumed with grief. We had to drive to the obgyn office to have my blood pressure checked. It was gloomy this morning, which added to the mood I was feeling. Going back into the obgyn office without my little Stella inside of me was very hard. Seeing all the pregnant women, and women with babies was hard. The nurse who saw me obviously hadn’t looked at my chart and kept asking questions about why I was having these checks. It wasn’t until I explained to her that the hospital had made the appointment because I had a stillborn baby on Sunday did she look at my chart. I had to give her grace. I think I slipped into a dull, aching, sort of depressed mood. Being out in the “real world” was hard. Everything moved so fast. I couldn’t wait to get back home. It was then that I realized I couldn’t tutor my cc class next Tuesday like I originally thought I could. I just can’t face  it. I contacted my substitute and decided that I would send the girls for the morning while I stayed home. I’m not sure how next week is going to look. Chris is going to work from home, so I don’t have to be alone. Ashley came over after lunch and brought cupcakes so the kids could all sing happy birthday to her (her birthday was Wednesday and we originally planned to have cake and celebrate her this week with my cc class). It was a bright moment in a dark day. She helped me call drs and schedule needed appointments. Throughout the day, flowers, a fruit basket and stuffed braveheart lions for the girls arrived. Each delivery brought joy and a wave of grief. A friend brought over dinner and we had such a nice time chatting while our girls all played. It was a nice distraction for all of us... but then the reality sunk in once they left. Each day the grief feels different, and the feelings and emotions come and go in waves. The days are blurring together, and the lack of schedule is a blessing. I am just going to embrace this time of mourning.