Today...

The pain comes and go. One minute I could be laughing with a friend and the next I am consumed with grief. We had to drive to the obgyn office to have my blood pressure checked. It was gloomy this morning, which added to the mood I was feeling. Going back into the obgyn office without my little Stella inside of me was very hard. Seeing all the pregnant women, and women with babies was hard. The nurse who saw me obviously hadn’t looked at my chart and kept asking questions about why I was having these checks. It wasn’t until I explained to her that the hospital had made the appointment because I had a stillborn baby on Sunday did she look at my chart. I had to give her grace. I think I slipped into a dull, aching, sort of depressed mood. Being out in the “real world” was hard. Everything moved so fast. I couldn’t wait to get back home. It was then that I realized I couldn’t tutor my cc class next Tuesday like I originally thought I could. I just can’t face  it. I contacted my substitute and decided that I would send the girls for the morning while I stayed home. I’m not sure how next week is going to look. Chris is going to work from home, so I don’t have to be alone. Ashley came over after lunch and brought cupcakes so the kids could all sing happy birthday to her (her birthday was Wednesday and we originally planned to have cake and celebrate her this week with my cc class). It was a bright moment in a dark day. She helped me call drs and schedule needed appointments. Throughout the day, flowers, a fruit basket and stuffed braveheart lions for the girls arrived. Each delivery brought joy and a wave of grief. A friend brought over dinner and we had such a nice time chatting while our girls all played. It was a nice distraction for all of us... but then the reality sunk in once they left. Each day the grief feels different, and the feelings and emotions come and go in waves. The days are blurring together, and the lack of schedule is a blessing. I am just going to embrace this time of mourning.

Stella Jubilee Jane

I always wanted 4 girls.  Stories such as Little Women and Pride and Prejudice always spoke to a deep longing of my heart. When we found out I was expecting a girl, I knew exactly what her name should be… Stella Jubilee Jane.  Stella after my sweet grandma whom I loved dearly.  Jubilee, because, after a rough 2016, which involved some major marital issues, I deemed 2017 the year of Jubilee.  And Jane, after one of my favorite authors, Jane Austin.

Being pregnant with Stella was such a joy.  Earlier in the year I had miscarried and so when we found out I was pregnant again, we were thrilled.  However, over the summer I had 2 very vivid dreams… I dreamt I had our little girl at 27 weeks.  I told friends and asked Bible study groups to just pray for me.  I had had pre eclampsia with Maggie, and so I was supposedly receiving very close attention this time around.  I put my trust in the obgyns and believed everything was going to be ok, despite having cramping at several stages of the pregnancy. 

At 27 weeks, I started having severe lower back pain on my left side.  It was crippling.  But since I had been to the obgyns several times with cramping throughout the pregnancy, I kinda figured they would just say it was normal, that it was in my head and that it was nothing.  The next morning I went in with all three of the girls.  It was really hard managing them as I had ultrasounds of my kidney, and the baby, a stress test for the baby, and various other tests.  There was slight blood in my urine but really nothing else.  It may have been a kidney stone, but there was no sign of it anymore.  So they sent me home.  I thought, phew, so that was what those dreams were all about.  The next day, the on call obgyn who had seen me called to see how I was doing.  I was doing slightly better and she said I could come in again for repeat tests again, but she really didn't think there was anything wrong.  So I just agreed to carry on taking the antibiotics and come in the following week if I felt poorly still.  By Tuesday I felt fine. 

I was now 28 weeks…past my scary dreams.  I was finally excited.  Excited about our little Stella. I received a call to schedule my induction… December 13^th at 5 am.  I couldn't wait!  My classical conversation group had also contacted me about a baby celebration at my favorite restaurant, Burger up on December 5^th.

29 weeks came, and I was elated.  I spent the week preparing for the baby, sorting through the baby clothes.  I had a huge basket of preemie clothes, which I folded up and put somewhere I could get to just in case.  I had my bag packed and I was ready.  Last Thursday, October 5^th, I finally took a ‘bump’ picture at a friend’s farm.  Only 10 weeks until I was to meet my baby girl on December 13^th!  It was the first picture in a long time, and I loved every bit of it.  From the turkey photo bombing, to the cute western dress a friend had let me borrow.  That is how I want to remember being pregnant with our Stella.  Later that evening, I was outside doing some yard work and I remember just thanking how incredibly blessed I was.  I had a beautiful home, 3 amazing girls and one on the way, which was fulfilling my dream, a supportive and loving husband… I just kept thanking the Lord for all he had done in my life, as I watched Chris and the girls burn leaves in the bonfire and run around the fire. 

On Friday, I woke up and felt a little swollen.  I mentioned it to a friend and she didn't think I did, but to me my face looked ‘fat’.  I also didn't think I felt Stella kick as much.  She was usually so active, but that day I couldn't really feel her move. I also remembered this with my other pregnancies, as they got bigger, the movement slowed down because there was less room, so I chose not to panic.  That night, as Chris was asleep, I sat bouncing on the birthing ball, trying to get the baby to kick.  The song Blessed Be Your Name starting running through my head…. You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name.  I started to cry and I asked the Lord to please not take my Stella away, but if He did, I was going to choose to bless His name.  I woke Chris and asked him to get the Doppler we had, that I didn't think the baby was moving.  We put it on and I started to cry, we couldn't hear a heart beat.  He encouraged me to go to the hospital, but I also knew that sometimes when the baby is low you have a hard time hearing the heart beat because of the placenta.  Somewhere in my heart, I knew though, and didn't want to face the possible reality. 

On Saturday morning I went to breakfast with my wild and free friends.  I drank an espresso drink…because surely the baby would start kicking…but she didn't.  We went to a rodeo with Olivia and then had friends over that night.  I sat playing a board game with them, knowing that I was about to face something really bad, but hoping for a miracle.  I went to the hospital after they left.  The ER receptionist treated me like I was just another one of those crazy ladies who doesn't think they feel there baby moving and made me wait while they got someone from Labor and Delivery.  I nearly left, because it was a wild Saturday night in Nashville and the ER was packed.  But I didn't and they came and escorted me to Labor and Delivery.  The triage room they took me to was the same one I had Maggie in.  Memories flooded my mind and I clung to the hope that everything was going to be fine.

The nurse came in with the Doppler, and I explained everything, telling her I am probably being paranoid, but here I was.  The look on her face was telling as she moved the Doppler around.  She left to go get a obgyn and an ultrasound machine.  But I knew…. and started sobbing.  They took my blood pressure, which was very high.  When the ultrasound machine was warmed up, we all hoped…but all hope was lost once they didn't see the heartbeat.  I started screaming…and the screaming didn't stop.  For the next 10 minutes the nurse held me. I then called Chris and we cried.  He called our friends Kent and Katie, and Katie drove to our house while Kent drove Chris to Vanderbilt.  In the meantime they set up an IV, in preparation for magnesium if my blood pressure kept rising.  They walked me over to a delivery room… I didn't want to ride in the wheel chair.  I tried to be strong and not cry…I didn't want to scare any of the other women who were in the triage and waiting area.

Chris and Kent arrived shortly after and we just cried.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  They began a softener, to prepare me for induction.  At 7:30 they started the pitocin.  It was amazing to see the Lord work in that delivery room.  Chris’s boss, Joey,  showed up and sat with him and Kent in the waiting area.  My bible study leader, Moni, showed up, and started rubbing essential oils all over me and messaging my shoulders.  My friend Elise, who is a doula, came and helped me through the entire labor.  I had two Christian nurses and a Christian midwife who prayed over me and were a constant support.  Worship music was playing in the room.  The Holy Spirit was there and surrounded me with peace.  I had chosen to have a natural labor because I wanted it to go fast and I wanted to feel Stella come. 

At 10:55, our beautiful daughter entered this world.  She was perfect and looked exactly like Maggie did.  Everyone in the room was crying, and as surreal as it felt, I knew the Lord was holding me.  I remember saying to Elise “I thought she was going to cry”.  I really did just pray for a miracle, that maybe they missed something.  I also believe it is a natural thing, for a mother to go through labor and to birth a baby, to only anticipate the beautiful cry.  But she didn't, and it was another bitter reminder of what had happened. They handed her to Chris first, who was cradling her and sobbing.  I just watched as they put me in bed and began checking me all over.  It had really happened…I had had my little girl, the one I had dreamed about, the one I had hoped for…but she was already in heaven with Jesus.

Holding Stella was something I still long for today.  Another friend, Shay, arrived and began taking pictures.  It was quiet in the room.  For an hour no one talked, we all just sobbed.  The nurse came in and asked if we knew what we wanted to do with her…there was a list of options.  We decided to have her cremated and have her ashes returned to us…we would plant a tree with them.  They then asked if we were ready for them to take her.  Again, that was a moment I will never forget…as they cradled our little girl in their arms and took her away.  The pain was so intense, and I regret not holding her little hand, not touching her more, not holding her tighter.  I had been in shock, but now I sit here reflecting with regret that I didn't take more time with her.

The day seemed to move by slowly, Elise and Shay left, and Kent and Joey went home.  It was just Chris and I in an empty room, consumed with emotions.  We had thought we would bring the girls back to the hospital, but after Chris got them from our friends around 3, I decided I couldn't cope.  He dropped them back off at a friends house and brought me dinner.  Our two sweet nurses came at the end of their shift with a baby book full of pictures they had taken of Stella in a white gown and hat.  There were handprints and footprints in there as well as thoughtful notes from the nurses.  They handed us the dress and hat, along with a cement mold of her little foot.  We all sobbed and the nurses then asked if they could pray over us.  At the end, one of the nurses said she would always remember that day as the day of Jubilee.  It was beautiful.

The days and nights since Sunday have been hard. I had to spend the night at the hospital while the monitored my blood pressure...they think pre eclampsia may have played a part in everything.  We will know more once the autopsy comes back. The whys and what ifs haunt me, but I have to remember to turn to Jesus during those times. There have been moments were I just scream…and others were tears are hard to find because my eyes are so dry from crying so much.  There is a dull, aching pain.  I sleep with a stuffed animal at night…and wake up crying for my baby.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.  No mother should outlive her child… and it's a pain only someone who has lost a child can ever describe.

The girls are having a hard time.  They are drawing pictures of little Stella in heaven, and don't understand why we just cant go get a new baby.  My sister sent a few books, which have helped them talk about some of the pain.  They are acting out and crying a lot.  I just want to help them, but know only time and the Lord can.

The amount of support that has come around my family is incredible.  The meals have been so helpful, because honestly I have a hard time thinking about food for myself yet alone my own children.  The girls have loved all the flowers we have received; it brings brightness to our sad house.  We’ve had friends, and pastors from the church come and pray over us.  All the text messages and facebook messages remind us we are not alone.

I know God has a plan and purpose in all of this.  There will be beauty from these ashes.  It is so hard to see that sometimes, and the temptation to ask whys and what ifs and be angry is a constant thing I am having to battle with.  God is so good, and He loves us so much...His ways are so much greater than mine, and His will and plans are so much sweeter than my own.  I have to trust Him in all of this.  I know we are going to get through this stronger, wiser and more in love with Him than ever before.  I am choosing to rest in His arms!

The milk still comes in...

I guess I didn’t realize the milk would still come in. I had convinced myself that she was so early, that I wouldn’t have milk. Like a bitter reminder of this weeks events, the milk came in and I am in so much pain. I have bound myself up, put cabbage leaves on with peppermint oil, and just pray that it stops. It’s so painful! Some have said I should donate it, but honestly the thought of pumping makes me want to cry. I just want the milk to stop.

mommy explosion

I had a mommy explosion today.  I really don't know why...but all the stress of the day just came out in...an explosion when Chris got home.  I was so tired of pulling Maggie down from the top of the piano (yes, the top of the piano!), of Fae changing her outfit every 5 minutes, and of Olivia sneaking out of the house to feed the donkeys half a bale of hay!  The house is a mess, dinner is a disaster, and Im tired. Maggie hasn't slept in days, and Im utterly exhausted!

Dreams are swirling around my mind... Are they from the Lord, I am not sure.  But Im dreaming of owning a much larger farm... acreage, pasture land, far from the city, removed from it all.  God, is this You?  I love Grey Gables with all my heart...but something is stirring within me to move.  But is it from God?

We are starting our home renovations this weekend.  I cant wait to show you all the finished rooms.  All in preparation for a possible move.  We are getting our home ready and offering it up to the Lord... if He wants us to sell, to downsize our mortgage, to upsize our land, then that will have to be something He is going to do.  Im excited, nervous, and overwhelmed.

Now, to apologize for my explosion, and save the soup which is probably burning on the stove!

God Bless Our Farm

Our sign sits at the front gate, welcoming guests to Grey Gables.  Its weathered (despite the etsy seller I purchased the sign from saying it was weatherproof).  Its grey.  And I love it!  I love the fact that we own Grey Gables, and I especially love the fact that the sign hangs on the fence. 

I often wonder what my children will remember from their childhood.  I recently started working at the YMCA as a yplay member (the 6 and under childcare).  Its extremely humbling, but our family needed the extra income.  Anyways, today I met a fellow employee who was in her early 20s.  Shes in college and used to live around the same area as we currently do.  She spoke fondly of her childhood days, filled with chickens, goats and ducks.  About gardening and running around her homestead.  I can only hope my children will have fond memories of life at Grey Gables.  That their eyes will twinkle as they share the memories they have of collecting eggs, picking berries, and ridding Jasper... and of Bobby on the porch!

As I sat with my 5 year old yesterday reading, I was overwhelmed by emotions...she is getting so big so fast!  The girls are growing up, and I can only thank the Lord for each day I get to be a part of that.  My deepest desire is to be a mom who has her head up, soaking in each moment....not looking down at my phone or focusing on my self. 

A horse in our window

Meet Jasper, the 2015 version of "Mr Ed".  This summer, our family welcomed this sweet, loving, old pony into our farm.  The boys (meaning the donkeys) instantly warmed up to him, and so did our girls!  Jasper is such a great pony, and what an amazing experience.  We are fostering him from Safe Harbor Equine Rescue until he finds his forever family.  Our job is to love on him, and put a little meat on his body.

The girls absolutely love having him around.  I cant say that he hasn't made his way into the bonus room (ugh), or been dressed up in princess costumes.  He loves putting his head through our sun room window to say hello.  Olivia and Fae find this particularly fun, and squeal with delight when they see him waiting by the window.  I must admit, having him around the farm has been pure joy for us all.  It will be very hard to say goodbye, but I know whatever family he goes to will love him just as much as we do!

A donkey in a tree!

Oh that little Bobby!  I cant even begin to express the joy this little donkey has brought to our family. The other day, Olivia came running into the house, exploding with laughter.  "Bobby is in the tree".  What!!!  I ran outside to find Bobby standing in our tree!  Now, its a rather low tree, with several branches jetting out of it...kinda like a flower.  But still, he was in the tree, standing proudly.as if to say "Why, yes, Jackie, donkeys do stand in trees".  Sadly, in my haste, my picture turned out blurry.  However, I still managed to somewhat document yet another Bobby the donkey moment on Grey Gables.